Grace

In each of my pivotal moments, there is one mantra that I’m constantly being reminded of: ‘give yourself grace’. More often than not, the subject of grace surrounds every piece of advice given to me in recent years. It was so frustrating to hear messaging around “giving yourself grace” because how did one do so? I frequently found myself unable to provide the grace I so seemingly deserved. This isn’t because I found myself unworthy, rather I simply didn’t understand self-grace.

Self-grace has been a constant battle for me specifically since May 2021. I was sitting in my dear friend’s car (hi Gloria), and I was pouring out the details of my recent, explosive situation. Previously, the two of us had talked at great length about extending grace to those around us, especially in light of the pandemic altering life as we knew it. Naturally, people around us were acting differently than they had previously. That concept was easy enough. Anyways, back to that story from May 2021, my friend offered me advice to provide some grace to myself. This was the first time I had thought to apply the concept of “extending grace” to myself. I walked away from that conversation in a daze because it seemed so obvious! I just needed to give myself grace - duh.

I got up to my bedroom and plopped down on my bed after that perspective-widening conversation. Then, that’s when it hit me. How the hell do I extend myself grace? I stared up at the ceiling of my bedroom for ages trying to narrow down the next steps. For once, no answers came to me. In fact, the longer I thought about it the further I got away from the so-called answer. I spent the following months running. Literally (shoutout OrangeTheory) and metaphorically. I didn’t know where I was heading and I didn’t care. One foot in front of the other as I performed a mental marathon to distance myself from the situation that occurred in May. The next foot extended out to push away the mental work I knew I had to do to heal. No, rather than facing what had happened and giving myself a safe space to flourish, I did the exact opposite. I felt ice tinting my eyes every time I looked in the mirror. How could I be so stupid? If only you weren’t so naive. Maybe, you deserved it.

Maybe, I deserved it? Present-day Shresta scoffs at that thought. I certainly did not deserve what happened or the emotional fallout. More than anything, I wish I followed that advice of self-grace. Maybe, I would’ve dealt with what had happened by now. Maybe, I would trust my judgment again.

That’s all so dark. Geez. This story does have a positive update, I promise.

Once I stopped running, I realized what everybody meant by extending yourself grace. Rather than looking at the external situations and the what-ifs, I looked inward. For years, well before my senior year of college, I felt lost. So, I vowed I would return home to myself. Admittedly, I still feel lost sometimes. But, now, I have faith that I will find my path again because I’ve chosen to reach out to my inner self in hopes that I will forgive myself for the harsh thoughts. In hopes that my self-grace will be enough to forgive myself. That same grace I couldn’t find years ago has blossomed into determination. A determination that is not bold or fierce, rather it is a soft-flickering candle. A persistent flame guiding me on my path home.

Sincerely,

Shresta