Nervous

I’ve been avoiding you. Yes, you, my reader. Well, I’m avoiding the reflection of my thoughts. In my mind, I find that all of my posts are going to the void, so much so that no one’s reading them. I mean that in a comforting-not-cynical way, trust me. This, by the way, is quite silly because I can see all of the blog’s analytics. Back to my point, I find that writing for my blog can feel like an invasion of privacy.

The last few weeks have been rough. I’ve talked about it with my friends - sort of. Physically and mentally, I was drained, and, to be frank, I still am. I often find myself avoiding the things that I know I must do when I’m struggling - it’s unintentionally self-destructive, perhaps. The reason I’ve been avoiding my blog, any form of writing actually, is I’m worried about what I’ll reveal. In my journal, it doesn’t matter what I expose about myself because there are no prying eyes or curious souls eagerly awaiting to see my potential turmoil. My blog, on the other hand, has enough pairs of eyes on each word, letter, comma, and so on that it’s enough to make me nervous. Nervous of what is probably the question lingering at the tip of your tongue. Nervous, I say, of a Freudian slip. Any time I write about my life and inner thoughts, I wonder what message I’m actually sending. You know, the subliminal message that tells you how I’m really feeling and who I genuinely am.

This all probably sounds silly. I voluntarily write and post my blog on the ever-permanent internet, so, of course, people are going to know how I feel. Whether someone pieces it together from the subtle nuances or by stringing together the main themes of my writing, it’s easy enough to figure out who I am and what I’m feeling. That’s the point of “Sincerely Shresta”, right? I’m not supposed to be afraid of being judged by what others think of my content. However, there’s a nagging feeling that reminds me to keep you at an arm’s length.

This is all a bit dreary. Talk about trust issues.

In reuniting with my blog, I wonder if this newfound anxiety of sharing my content with the world is common. Surely, it must be. I often try to reframe a problem when in pursuit of a solution. Rather than sitting in fear of how others may perceive me, I wonder, in this case, are the nerves a good thing? Am I nervous because I care about “Sincerely Shresta” and the quality of the content I’m putting out? Admittedly, I’m very unsure, even when I restructure the problem.

As much as I’d like to push you away from me, I’ll do the opposite because I cannot find the answer alone. I’ll look to my community for a solution and bring you closer in hopes that you might know. So, tell me, does the nervousness go away?

Sincerely,

Shresta