In Four
In four years, my life has shifted. Not dramatically. Day by day and bit by bit. As my life is about to change, I’m attempting to assess myself and my life’s “progress.” Toxic, I know. It’s with good intentions, however. As I said, the trajectory of my life is shifting as I chase after a long-time goal of mine. It’s hard not to reflect. Plus, I just turned twenty-five, and, well, birthdays are birthdays.
Every time I gaze into the mirror, I look the same as I did in 2020. Every time I look at photos, I see a person entirely different from who I am today. Fundamentally, I am the same person, but it’s not fake this time. In college, I was “faking it till I make it.” At the time, it was a tool necessary for my survival through apocalyptic-esque issues (boys, grades, and my body). Now, there is a lot less to fake. I wholeheartedly feel confident in who I am. In four years, I’ve chipped away at a false image of me only to uncover who I truly am.
I feel less hollow. No more are the days of being the shell of a human being mimicking what those around me might like. Hoping my song and dance will impress people into staying in my life. News flash, it doesn’t. As a child, I was shamed by adults and classmates alike for being loud, obnoxious, and bossy. Dimming that down, as much as I may try, didn’t work. Who I truly am will always peek through, but it felt nauseating to allow others to see that side of me. Anxiety hung over me like a thick, inescapable cloud. The truth is I am loud. I know what I want and I’ll speak my mind about it. It’s who I am. What’s so wrong about that? Do I live for others, or do I live for me?
My whole life it was the former. I found a journal entry from 2019 describing the constant haze of anxiety that lapsed over me every day. Even in the way I wrote, there was uneasiness. I was lost. Not in the I’m-twenty-something-and-don’t-know-what-to-do way. I was lost in the storm of my self-destructive creation. How do you understand who you are when you’re constantly numbing, shoving down, and avoiding yourself? You can’t - obviously.
Even now, I struggle but I’m much better at doing what’s best for me. Three (ish) years ago, I decided to take a chance on a fellowship and move to a city where I didn’t know anybody to work at a startup in an industry I had never heard of. On top of that, I was determined to live alone. I had become too reliant on the energy others gave me (classic extrovert) to push me forward rather than giving myself the will to move forward.
Because of those risks I took, my mindset shifted from “I’m proud of the person that I’m becoming” to “I’m proud of the person that I am” (note: there is nothing wrong with the former). The silence of an apartment lived in by only yourself, your anxieties, and your hopes tend to force your hand in confronting the ever-daunting question of “Who am I.”
In four years, I learned about myself more intimately than I ever thought possible. Here are a few lessons that got me to today. [Disclaimer: I haven’t mastered them. Even I’m not above saying that ;)]
No matter how old I get, it will never get easier to say goodbye to my parents when I visit them for an extended period. It’s okay to cry about it each time.
Live alone at least once in your twenties. Thank me later. (it’s supposed to be difficult at times)
Silence is your friend. Constant noise will gnaw at you. Sometimes, the stream of podcasts, videos, and music must be banished, even if it’s just for a moment’s silence.
Sometimes, you are the problem.
Shame isn’t the answer. You can course-correct without being harsh. (see the lesson above)
Life is not coming at you. Life is coming from you. (thanks Timmy C)
If I think I’m cool, then I’m cool.
Get over your fear of being perceived. It is inevitable. (I haven’t been able to swallow this one)
Self-care includes saying no. Get over FOMO. Seriously, cut that shit out.
Your mind is as clean as your room.
Celebrate the small wins. Small wins lead to bigger ones.
Reinventing yourself is lauded but not required. You already have the building blocks to greatness by just being you.
You’re only as strong as the community around you. Choose wisely.
Hobbies are for the sake of enjoyment not for completion. (this one is particularly difficult for me)
Conciseness is as effective as long-windedness. Tangents are welcome. Straightforwardness is encouraged.
Life has a way of working itself out. Disclaimer: you must genuinely believe it to reap the benefits of this mindset.
Frankly, there is still a long road ahead, but the journey is more enjoyable these days. Although there are many lessons and lived experiences ahead of me, there is great importance in documenting what I know now. Hopefully, this list will expand tenfold in four.
