Disappointed

At 23, you would think I would be used to being disappointed, feeling like a disappointment, and disappointing others. Yet, that couldn’t be further from the truth. Now, more than ever, I feel bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, and so incredibly eager to please. I have a hard time making sense of that last bit. Eager to please? For what reason? In my very long existence on earth - I say drenched in sarcasm - I find that people often disappoint. However, do you know what else people do? They please. They kick and fight and turn the world upside down to charm you. Whether it’s in small ways or big, people never fail to show up - even on the darkest days.

Perhaps that last sentence didn’t necessarily resonate with you. Maybe. Except, when I stopped looking at the world like it was out to get me, I realized something. I started to recognize all of the kindness others pour into their interactions with me - specifically, strangers. I distinctly remember the morning after my best friend of eight years and I had gotten into a major fight. A fight that would be the last straw in our friendship, in fact.

I remember that day like it was yesterday. I relive it like it’s on an endless loop in the back of my mind. Anyways, it was one of my other childhood best friend’s birthdays the day after that fight. I forced myself out of bed, though I barely slept anyways. Walking toward my mirror, I could only focus on how sunken my eyes were from all of the crying. That, and the massive pimple on my cheek. Vanity takes no rest. Anyhow, I put on a semi-decent outfit and drove myself to Trader Joe’s to pick up flowers for the birthday girl. While I was at Trader Joe’s, someone picked up a conversation with me out of the blue. I watched the corner of their eyes crinkle while they recalled their weekend plans. I remember admiring how happy they were to share their simple moment of peace with a stranger. The warm feeling of being that comfort to another brought me peace. As we bantered on, they asked me, someone they would never see again, about me and my day. Naturally, I lied. Who am I to break the illusion of the happy passerby? I remember walking away from that conversation feeling as though my proverbial cup had been filled just a little by the stranger’s genuine kindness.

I don’t think this is always true, of course. Some bad days just get worse because of other people. Someone cuts you off in traffic. Your coffee order gets messed up. A person you bump into is just downright rude. Whatever the case is, people can be shitty. To my point, people can be shitty that doesn’t mean that they always are. There’s something so unbelievably reassuring about being met with kindness on a bad day. It reminds me that for every time I have been disappointed I have equally been held up by those around me - strangers, friends, lovers, and family.

Note: Originally, I was going to write about the deep feeling of disappointment that's been seated in my chest all week stemming from a series of events. Yet, my mind wandered towards a positive take on the subject. Guess my Twitter bio still rings true: “depressed optimist”.

Sincerely,

Shresta